How Do You Explain Evil?
Terrorists have reminded us once again how evil they can be. As we parents and grandparents try to deal with last Tuesday's events and help our young ones understand and deal with them, we may fall into our old habit of doing most of the talking.
My first thought of what to say to my grandsons after being horrified at the TV images, was one of retribution, justice, and punishment. But who should be punished? The most guilty have committed suicide, and the others are dispersed and for the most part unknown at the moment. My first impulse was off the mark and advocated more evil instead of less.
We may find that one country is more guilty than another in encouraging the terrorists and providing a place for the preparations to be done. Yet innocent people live in those countries as well as the guilty. Most citizens have no idea what their government is up to, let alone what one small part of the population is up to. The innocent there are just as precious as the innocent in the towers of New York.
The difference between ourselves and terrorists, and hopefully there are many, is that we do have principles concerning the welfare of the innocent and the value of human life. We do not seek a world dominated by any religion chanting decadence and hate. We seek a world of peace for all people.
So how can we help our children as they see the terror in New York and Washington? First of all, they must have their chance to express their reactions and ask their questions. We are tempted to take a severe and intense tone in these conversations because we feel strongly and want our children to understand how very serious this is. But that attitude can inadvertently intimidate their part of the conversation.
Better to remain calm and focus on the "part truths" of their remarks instead of lecturing, confronting, and correcting errors. Your model is important if they are to continue to tell you their view and be guided to a reasonable approach to this disaster.
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"Those people are awful! They should all be killed!"
"They are awful." (Mom's focus is on the undeniable truth and leaves the rest for later in the talk.)
"We should hunt down the ones that helped."
"Yes, and all the ones that are guilty should be punished." (Mom agrees without getting into a frustrating argument about how hard this will be.)
"Mom, why are people so bad?" Here Mom is tempted to say, "You're wrong, there are only a few bad people." Mom is exasperated and angry also, and it's easy to find fault with every comment on the topic.
But now a son or daughter needs close companionship with someone on his or her side. And Mom hopes her daughter will say what's bothering her most, so it's better to stay well clear of disagreement and corrections:
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"I guess some people seem to be bad right from the start, but others live in bad situations or were brought up in bad situations."
"Will the bad people get us?"
"I don't think so. In our country we protect each other. You help others at school, and they help you."
In the longer view of the weeks ahead, Mom and Dad should also point out positive events that provide a balance for the continual news replays from TV.
Picture drawing usually works well in family settings as well as schools. It allows a child to express his reactions where the details are not so easily identified as "wrong." Pictures also allow a parent or teacher a peek into the thoughts and feelings of a child not as well versed in vocabulary and conversation as an adult.
Parents should show an attitude that sets a thoughtful example for the children who will create the security and the dangers of the future.
Copyright 2001 by Summit Crossroads Press
