When he went off to preschool, not everyone agreed on how cute and smart Snipper was. He became an angry terror, aggressive with other kids and uncooperative with the teacher. “She doesn’t always treat me nice,” Snipper said.

A beginning counseling student observed Mom dealing with nasty little Snipper. She actually watched the child rather than Mom because, as she said, “The behavior was so outrageous, the answer must be there somewhere. He argues with her all the time, I think he likes being disagreeable.”

All parents, at times, suffer from “unconditional positive regard.” No matter what their kids do, they try to encourage them while presenting a good model. But if the child is going to learn what is good and what is not, the signals need to be separated and clear.

Snipper also had a speech problem, and Mom used cards with basic sounds in pictures for Snipper to practice. The counseling student and I watched a lesson.

“Very good,” Mom said even though he had responded to the picture the same way for weeks. She said she didn’t want to discourage him, but she also said she hoped he would stop making so many mistakes.

We asked Mom to give Snipper clearer signals. She learned to frown and just say “No” when Snipper was wrong and brighten up when he was right. Finding the right level of satisfaction for when to brighten and when to frown is not easy. Once learned, it is a challenge to switch yourself on and off abruptly and also remain consistent. But to break through Snipper’s cloud of conceit he needs to hear very clear messages about what is unacceptable not only on cards, but also in his daily behavior.

Who knows why the balky vending machine at Mom’s work sometimes pays off and sometimes doesn’t? You have to bang on its little buttons and give it an occasional kick to get what you want. In the beginning, Snipper probably saw his mother as a balky vending machine that reacted in no predictable way and needed abusing. When the vending machine became consistent, our “customer” was more successful and the “machine” was happier too.

Now Mom reacts more slowly, more consistently and sometimes negatively with a frown and disapproval. To get the right reaction, Snipper has to be more careful. As he learns better social habits, Mom can become more natural, appropriate in her reactions and more helpful in Snipper’s growing up.