We parents know the bad behaviors to look for very well, but we are less clear about the good behaviors and react to them less often. When parents lose sight of what they admire and like and give up on the habit of expressing it, the parent-child relationship changes fast.

Mom: "Leave the baby alone, David."
David: "I was just going to pat him."

She has the same choice many times every day.

When David bumps the kitchen table and the juice glass falls over, Mom might say, "You are so clumsy! Look what you did!" Or she could say, "Oh, look what happened! Better pick up the glass and get a paper towel."

If Mom goes with her first impulse, she emphasizes David, the person. You will wake him; you are clumsy! If she goes with her second choice, she emphasizes a situation that she and David are dealing with together: It will wake him. Look what happened.

It won't make a lot of difference to David on these two occasions, but over the days and weeks, David ends up with a very different impression of himself and a very different relationship with Mom.

David's Mom was trying hard, but David was frequently disagreeable and angry. When I asked her for examples of David's good behavior, she had trouble getting started but finally came up with common ones such as "doing well in school" and "getting along with his sister." I asked her to look for specifics of these during the next week and compliment David when he showed success.

At our next meeting she reported an odd reaction after she said, "I liked the way you played that game with your sister."

David said, "What's the matter with you?" And after another week of Mom looking for opportunities to compliment him, David asked, "Do you like me?"

"Of course I like you," Mom said.

"Wow," said David; already ten and rediscovering that his Mom not only loves him, she likes him!

Here's a good New Year's resolution: Vow to highlight a new behavior of your child every week and tell him or her you like it.

Dads seem to have the most trouble with the loving and liking messages. Some Dads overlook the good and focus on the vulnerable spots. The kids tend to pull away from them and cover up. But when praise and kind comments are a habit, the love becomes believable even when the words are scarce.

Most Dads and Moms try to bring out the best in the behavior of children. They watch for the good points to compliment, like a searchlight looking for sparkles to highlight.

So for the new year, aim your searchlight carefully. What are you looking for?