How Will You Spend Family Time This Year?
When we had our children, I didn’t realize how much time child-rearing was going to take. Of course I knew babies were special, but I thought once we were past diapers and that constant-care stage, child-rearing would just be a part of living, not a 24-7 job of care-giving, meals and shopping. Of course it is not 24-7, but the long hours do require time-budgeting. Pay attention to these time priorities.
Priority No. One: Parents and their kids who sit down together for at least one meal each day show a satisfaction and stability not always evident in families who pass up this routine. Even in families where dinner communication is almost nil, TV is always on and family members seem more like residents in the same dormitory, both parents and children report more comfortable and more frequent communication with regular meal times.
The Share the Table Survey by the Barilla company reports that 52 percent of parents and kids agree that it is easier to talk about their feelings over the dinner table than in other situations.
Priority No. Two: Maintain the time when you share household chores and leisure time regardless of the gender differences. Cornell Science News estimates that parents with two children spend an average of 57,000 hours--almost eight hours per day--raising them to age 18. They also report that fathers with two sons spend 1,000 more hours with their sons sharing leisure time and 1,000 more hours in shared household work (involving the home, yard, car and pets) than do fathers with two daughters.
When both children are girls, moms spend 1,000 more hours sharing household work with them than do mothers in families with two boys. Make sure this comes out more even in your house.
Priority No. Three: Restrict TV time that’s going down the tube. Provide active and useful alternatives to constant TV viewing. Resist using TV as the afternoon baby sitter. According to surveys by the A.C. Neilsen Co., the average American child watches 1,680 minutes (28 hours) of TV per week. In one year the average student spends 900 hours in school but watches 1500 hours of TV. Who has the most influence here?
Priority No. Four: Watch the electronic social networking. The electronics are here to stay, so 21st century parents will have to share the family air-time with yet another intrusion from the ever-faster lifestyle.
Check your conversational style without a keyboard. The competition for a free moment is getting harder. Parents with good listening skills will have the most influence with their kids.
• They put down their distractions and turn off all handhelds when a chance to talk with their child or teen comes up.
• They show the good body language of paying attention: they look at their teen, they turn toward him and keep frequent eye contact.
• They avoid the temptation to “get in their licks,” They know the kids wonder first, “What does this talk say about ME?”
• They understand that the greatest fear among most teens is embarrassment. To keep the defensiveness less likely, they use “it” and “others” to keep the conversation less personal—not “you” and not “me.”
• They know the conversation does not have to declare a winner or find the blame. Most conversations need no conclusion and no summing up.
With these tools at the ready, the duel between ipod, pad, cell-phone and laptop worship and just talking with Mom and Dad will come out more even.
Mom and Dad have to look over a kid’s shoulder to assess these activities because we have no useful ratings for these intruders into family time.
“No electronics during or after supper” could be the school year routine that allows more quality family conversation. Here's where a parent discussion group can be a pool of information exchange and discussion about how to protect quality family time. A parent group can help evaluate movies and electronics and provide the comfort of knowing that others have problems similar to yours.
How are your children going to spend the hours of 2012?
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Dr. McIntire is the author of Raising Your Teenager: 5 Crucial Skills for Moms and Dads and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times.
