Little Things Count: The Story of a Tantrum
We visited a zoo the day before our big snowstorms. We enjoyed it but as usual, we encountered the regular number of kids who fussed at their parents because the snacks were not all to their liking, or they wanted to be carried, or they wanted to go the other way not this way.
One little tyke, I’ll call him Fussy because he was, wanted to go home and said so about 60 times while we were within earshot. It went like this:
Fussy: I wanna go home.
Mom: We just got here and you were the one who wanted to come.
Fussy: I wanna go home.
Dad: We just paid and you like all these animals.
Fussy: No! I wanna go.
Mom: You’ll like seeing them all.
Fussy says “NO!” but Mom and Dad are busy tending their younger baby in a stroller and Fussy waits, but then repeats his demand. Mom says nothing. Fussy stops and looks half interested in a fountain and then starts to walk on and says, “This is boring.” Mom says nothing, Fussy has nothing to say either.
It’s hard to believe a child would be encouraged to fuss by Mom’s comments, but he is. As long as Mom uses her common arguments, Fussy is tempted to whine just for a little entertainment. It’s comfortable, like watching an old TV show. Even if Mom finds new ways to respond to Fussy, Fussy might continue to whine, even without knowing why he does it. It may be a power struggle without much change in who has the power.
If Mom becomes bored, dull and repetitious, Fussy may move on to something else—for the moment. Because Mom has stopped responding, this little argument seems to be temporarily over.
Then Dad says, “It won’t be boring when we get to the monkey house.”
That starts Fussy going again with, “I wanna go home.”
“We are going to stay here and enjoy ourselves, so stop complaining,” Dad says.
Fussy says, “I’m going to have a fit.”
Mom says, “Stop it.” Fussy starts to cry and says, “I wanna go!” (he’s not very creative, just obnoxious). Mom repeats, “Stop.”
Dad repeats his earlier remark, “We’re going to stay.”
Fussy says, “I’m not having any fun.”
Dad starts to say,” Well, if you just looked…” but seems to realize he has become the entertainment, so stops himself and only replies, in a very bored voice, “We’re going to stay.”
After that Dad only nods and grunts to Fussy’s complaints and Fussy stops.
The struggle seems to be over as we walk on to the monkey house. I trail behind watching the humans while they watch the monkeys. Mom says “Look at the cute babies.” A baby pulls on his mother’s fur, but his mom doesn’t seem to notice. Fussy says the mother monkey doesn’t always pay attention to the babies when they want it. Mom says ‘yes’ and stops; Dad takes her hand and they smile at each other.
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Roger McIntire is the author of Teenagers and Parents: 10 Steps to a Better Relationship and Raising Good Kids in Tough Times. Write him through the Journal or add your comment on the blog, www.rogermcintire.wordpress.com.
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Use Your Parent Power
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