Second, the hard-line approach will be, must be, inconsistent. A parent cannot, and should not, be consistent with punishment. Without the inconsistencies of warnings, threats and postponements, the rules are too inhuman. Yet with the "verbal decorations" the game and the power struggle begin.

The adult alternatives are much better. For example, if you come to my house for dinner tonight and spill your drink at the table, you don't expect me to say: "Hey! What do you think you're doing? You're so clumsy! Now pay attention to what you're doing or I'll send you home!" What nerve! Treating a guest like a child! What happened to "making amends?" "The benefit of the doubt?" You expect me to belittle the problem. "I'm sorry, do you have a towel?" "No problem, I'll take care of it..." We deal with the mistake together as a third thing, not you, not me.

Ignoring is also an adult strategy, but it has to be used carefully. If a parent plans to ignore the bad behavior, the usual amount of acting up will no longer get the attention the child seeks, and he may escalate the volume! Parents may revert to punishment for this higher level and then return to the ignoring rule only to go back to punishment when the volume again reaches pain threshold.

(see Habit 6 of Raising Good Kids, or Steps 7 and 8 of Teenagers and Parents)