Parenting Guide: Use Your Power

Dr. Roger McIntire

Kids in Control?

My neighbor complained that her 15-year-old, Erik, procrastinated getting ready for school. I could hear the yelling when I went out for my paper on Monday. On Tuesday when I went out, the school bus had gone, and Mom was in her car waiting to deliver Mister I’ll-be-there-in-a-minute to school. She had even turned the car around for a quick getaway.

“He needs to learn to get himself ready on time,” she said. She had been up for hours; he had been up for 15 minutes. She was ready and in the car; he was not. When he came out, he was angry at her because he couldn’t find his soccer shoes. He said, “Can we go? I’m late!”

As I watched them leave, I wondered how he would learn to “get ready on time.”

It isn’t important to him now because he has a back-up chauffer. He can even abuse her about the soccer shoes on their way to school. I wanted to call after them, “Who is seeing that our disgruntled teenager’s life works?” Is Mom enabling or discouraging the procrastination and abuse?

What Can You Do?

Use your power. Too much service given unconditionally is not a good thing. Of course we parents want to provide our kids with soccer shoes, clothes, food, and rides. But we don’t have to be first in the car and turn it around to make up for the time wasted by our little procrastinator. We don’t have to do his laundry, dry it, take it upstairs, put it away and then step on the gas when he says, “I’m late.”

Should Erik’s mother get his favorite cereal at the food store? Make dinner without any help? Take the soccer shoes he forgot to his afternoon practice?

These details go with friendship and respect. They can be left out when the parent abuse card is played. Don’t be shy with your kids. If he says, “Thanks for the ride,” say, “You’re welcome. You help me out now and then, too.” Let him know where cooperation comes from.

But Erik’s mom should speak up about his abuse also, “Erik, if you are late again, you’ll have to face the consequences, I’m not driving you, and I’m not writing an excuse.” Parents can feel enslaved when the work is too one-sided and the children expect too many privileges.

Habit Building

Parents can enable big mistakes also. One Mom wrote, “Megan (name changed to protect the not-so-innocent), my 14-year-old, and I had a row when I picked her up, and I could tell she had been drinking at her friend’s house. She said she knew what she was doing, but I didn’t say anything. What can I do? I want her to like me.”

Making life easier for a budding alcoholic won’t help. The first hint of drinking is not a time for worrying about being liked. It’s a time for a tighter leash and a tighter pocketbook—-no hanging out unsupervised, no extra bucks for trouble. Where does Megan-know-it-all get money for drinks? She could get it from her friends but that wears thin fast. I guess we know where she gets her transportation, her living expenses, her cell phone and her spending money.

It’s time to cut back on the generous services and insist on more accountability from Megan and Erik.

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